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On Wednesday I saw a woman at the VA about filing a claim for PTSD. I am going to do it, I have to fill out some paperwork, but it didn’t go very well.
This woman was way less than positive. almost cold, and didn’t seem to be very sympathetic.
I think she just jumped to all kinds of conclusions.
See, back in 2008 I had just started therapy at the VA, and at that point I went to file to increase my disability for my ulcer and my back. I went to my DAV rep to do this. He asked if there was anything else going on with me, and that I should just file for everything at once. I think I got bad advice from him.
I had just been diagnosed with PTSD from MST. So, on his advice, I filed for PTSD at that time. But I don’t think I was really ready.
Well, the PTSD part was denied, and I never appealed because I now realize I wasn’t ready to even claim it.
This past Wednesday, that’s all this woman seemed to focus on. The “3 pages of explanation that the VA gave in why they denied my claim for PTSD.”
It took a lot of talking on my part, more than I feel I should have had to do, to impress upon her that I wasn’t ready back then, and that yes, I have been impacted by the rapes. She was all focused on proof, and all of that, and I walked away feeling like I really had to overly justify myself for not reporting being raped after it happened, and like I really had to overly justify myself for wanting to file a claim now.
So, how am I supposed to even be able to hold up in a comp and pen hearing.  I thought I was strong enough to do this.  But then, I walked away from there in tears.
Anyway, finally she said to get a letter from my therapist, and to put everything, like the loss of my marriage, my depression and hospitalization, and everything else,  in writing.
I guess I just feel like she could have handled it differently on her end.

Wednesday was tough.


how can it be, that when I was in bootcamp, and was told that no superior had a right to put his or her hands on me….

when in the reality of the US Navy, a superior did put his hands on me…

which was the truth?….

the regs, the discipline, the pagentry, the pomp and circumstance, of bootcamp?…

or the reality of the US Navy?…

for today, this is a start

I may add to this list, but this is a good start as to how I would love to live my life, each day, in the here and now, today….

study the lives of those in whom you find inspiration

listen to what they have to say

spend quiet time each day


listen to your inner voice

listen to the universe

each day learn one thing


find what manner of spirituality feeds your soul

practice your spirituality

start your day with a good intention

find what fulfills you in life, and experience it with all of your body, mind, and soul

practice compassion, or learn how to

live by actions, not words

never give up

So what happens when the message you have been sending changes.  When you go from one extreme to another in the feelings, thoughts, and words you are expressing.  Whether it be from negative to positive, or positive to negative.

Do you count those who leave you as never having been true friends to begin with?

Or do you count those who leave you as existing on another level, in a different path, as what you are on?

And what feelings and thoughts does that bring up for you?

Just contemplation.


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