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To conquer oneself is a greater task than conquering others.

Gautama Buddha

I need to keep this in mind. 

Keeping this in mind will help me with my journey, and always help me reconcile with the fact that in the past week I have lost 3 followers.

When I first started my blog here, I was so concerned with having very few followers of my blog.  I thought I needed to have more, to have as many as possible, to have the most.  As if somehow that would validate me.  Today, that is not what is that important to me.

My blog here is kind of like my little corner of the world.  And I need to remember the purpose I had in mind when I started my blog, and that I do not need to clog it up with as many people as I can fit into my little corner of the world.  My healing is much more important.

In conquering my self I can truly start to heal, because it all comes from within.


Prolonged Exposure Therapy.

My therapist and I are discussing, with some seriousness, me starting this form of trauma therapy.

She is being encouraging.

She wants me to do less avoiding of dealing with the trauma. 

Which has affected all areas of my life.

I do agree with her, I need to deal with it.  I don’t want to spend the rest of my life being ruled by the trauma, or at least feeling like I am being ruled by it.

I want to live, fully, wholly, with some sense of inner peace.

And I think she knows that it will be hard.  But still, there seems to be a part of her that acts like it’s no big deal?

I don’t think that anyone who hasn’t lived through trauma can totally relate.  If you have never been raped, or assaulted, there is just no way that you can possibly know what it’s like, what it FEELS like, to have lived through that.

I hate that I do know what it feels like. 

I see her again next week, and we will discuss it again.  I’m pretty sure I understand PET, and what it entails.

I am just a little scared.

Scared for what it will bring up.  The last time we did trauma processing, I started on a downward spiral of depression.  It just brought up so much from the rapes. 

I almost feel like I won’t survive the therapy.  Which is insane.  Because, I survived being raped.  I have survived this long.  Surely I must be strong enough to survive trauma therapy.

At this point in my journey, I think compassion will be a recurring theme for me, if you want to call it that. 

And maybe anger goes hand in hand with that.

But all day I have been thinking…

Compassion for my self.

A very difficult thing for me to even see doing, being compassionate to my self.

I’ve heard it phrased different ways:  how can you love others, when you can’t love your self.  So I am left wondering, how can I feel compassion for others, when I struggle so to feel any compassion for myself. 

It’s a work in progress.

It all is. 

I think life itself is a work in progress.  I think we change, we grow, we go through the process of healing.  And in some ways, I think that takes a life time.


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